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Talk about cheese...

From NBC's Domenico Montanaro
Joe Lieberman
's speech at the Alfalfa Club dinner last night has some groan-worthy lines in it, including his assertion that Robert E. Lee was actually named Robert E. Lieberman, that Dick Cheney invited warlords and Gilbert Arenas, and that he would do whatever's necessary to get reelected including posing nude in Cosmo.

He also took shots at Cheney for Guantanamo "water sports," Bill and Hillary Clinton, John McCain for picking Sarah Palin as his VP, John Edwards, and MSNBC's Keith Olberman (who he said would be in his cabinet as Secretary of the Interior in the hopes he'd get lost in a national park).

Here are some excerpts, per his office, after the jump:

Senator Joe Lieberman
Excerpts from Alfalfa Nomination Speech
January 30, 2010

* * * * *

Thank you all and thank you, Mr. Vice President.

You have to hand it to Dick.  Who but Dick Cheney would invite as his guests tonight . . . two Afghan warlords and Gilbert Arenas? 

* * * * *

My fellow Alfalfans…I accept your nomination!  As I said to Al Gore in 2000—there's no way we can lose this thing.

As you know, the Alfalfa was originally formed to celebrate the birthday of Robert E. Lee.  I stand before you tonight having much in common with General Lee . . . as many of my previous presidential bids have gone south.

In fact, General Lee and I have more in common than you might imagine.  I know this will surprise a lot of people, but the great general's real name was Robert E. Lieberman.

My fellow Alfalfans, as your candidate, I will fight as tenaciously as my namesake General Lee.  I will do whatever's necessary to get elected -- even appear nude as the newly elected senator from Massachusetts did in the pages of Cosmopolitan. 

In my case, back in the days of the old New York Sun I was once the subject of a very tasteful nude Currier and Ives lithograph.

Nothing to worry about, however.  I very gracefully put my hand over my private parts . . . which shows that even then I was against the public option! 

* * * * *

Alfalfans, our campaign has many advantages.  As Harry Reid has pointed out, I am light-skinned and don't have a Yiddish dialect.

* * * * *

My big advantage as your nominee, of course, is that I have had national campaign experience. 

As you may recall, I was Al Gore's running mate in 2000.  A lot of pundits said he picked me because I was willing to criticize Bill Clinton. 

But by those standards, he should have picked Hillary!

There was some controversy from my Senate Democratic colleagues that at the same time I was running as vice president with Al, I was also running for reelection to the Senate.

When John Edwards heard about it, he said to me, "Isn't that like two-timing?"

Then in 2004, I ran for the Democratic presidential nomination myself.  I thought my hawkish stance would appeal to voters. 

Unfortunately, Don Rumsfeld and Sean Hannity couldn't vote in the Democratic primaries. 

Then in 2008, I was apparently John McCain's first choice for vice president.  But I have absolutely no hard feelings about being passed over in favor of Sarah Palin. 

She survived the vetting process. 

True, it pretty much consisted of holding her drivers' license up to the light, but she survived it.

Believe it or not, I'm the one who actually first suggested to John that he consider Sarah Palin as a running mate. 

John, it's called sarcasm.

* * * * *

Now, as for my presidential appointments, I have not made any selections yet. 

But in choosing my cabinet, my wife Hadassah will help, because no Jewish man can pick out cabinets without his wife.

I'm going to reach out to people who disagree with me.  The only nomination I know for certain is Keith Olberman, whom I plan to make Secretary of Interior . . . in hopes he'll get lost in a national park.

Many of you Alfalfans will be considered for the cabinet.  After all, you in this room represent the machinery that makes our nation function . . . which reminds me of our crumbling infrastructure… 

* * * * *

On foreign affairs, I understand what Guantanamo has come to mean in world opinion.  But we can fix that, without closing Guantanamo.

All we have to do is change its name.  How about calling it the Richard B. Cheney Resort and Rehabilitation Spa?

I bet the water sports will be really great.